This page contains images of unclothed farm animals,
and may not be suitable for younger or more sensitive viewers.
It was a typical Friday afternoon in late March of 2001. I was sitting on my sofa, reading a book, when the phone rang.
The person on the other end of the line was inquiring about a costume.
A French Maid costume. For a cow. By Sunday morning.
They eventually informed me that they were calling from The Jerry Springer Show.
Of course, that made it perfectly all right. (!?!?!?) I told them I would go to the fabric store, get some prices, work some numbers, and get back to them within an hour.
I don't know exactly what the show subject was that they needed a clothed cow.
I didn't ask.
There are a lot of things about this project that I just didn't ask.
They assured me that there was "no sex involved".
I'm not sure if I'm reassured or not.
Mostly, I took it for a challenge - how would you dress a cow, if you had to? Of course, the fact that I
was currently collecting unemployment, the opportunity to earn 3/4 of my rent in a day and a half, legally, didn't hurt.
They gave me measurements over the phone. For those who are interested, a cow (well, this cow at least) has a 92" waist (girth), a 42" neck, 75" chest, and is 4 ft from base of neck to tail.
After a few design changes via cell-phone ( I guess that the French Maid cow was too wierd even for Jerry Springer!), we settled on a rather sedate little-old-lady sort of look. A sort of cardigan sweater, pink, with a white eyelet collar and cuffs, a coral "pleated" skirt, with sewn-down pleats, and white frilly knickers. Two pairs. Yes, that's why.
They had rented the most wonderful cream straw hat with faded fabric flowers,and I attached a peach satin ribbon to tie under her chin.
They sent a PA with a credit card to meet me at my local fabric store to purchase materials. He was very enthusiastic about the project. Even commented that the colors we chose would complement her complexion. This scared me.
The women at Hancock fabrics were wonderfully supportive through this process, offering many useful suggestions. Once they stopped laughing, that is.
I usually do people costumes, so I found a picture on the web of a cow, then turned my laptop on it's side so that the limbs were in the same place as on a person.
I began work at 7 PM, and with a dinner break at 10, finished up work at 3:15 AM. Not only was that only 15 minutes longer than my estimated time, but I also had less than 1/4 yard of each fabric left over, 6" of velcro, and 2 yds of elastic due to a mid-course design change I made.
Did you know that an ironing board with pillows duct-taped to it makes a reasonably cow-shaped dressmaker's dummy? No, I didn't take a picture of this.
They sent a PA the next morning to pick it up. Poor fellow got lost twice trying to find my apartment, and then couldn't find parking. I ended up meeting him on the corner, and explaining to him how the outfit went together by draping it over a nearby car.
Sunday morning was the shoot, and I managed to meet the producers downtown, in spite of the fact that I had never actually seen any of them before. I was to go along on the outside shoot, in case there were alterations. Of course there were alterations - It's not like I got to do a fitting with the cow.
We then headed out to the farm, about 45 minutes outside downtown. In a stretch limo. I have a picture of the limo, in the barnyard. They weren't sure why I thought that was funny.
The cow's name was Pearl, and she was a rather bony critter. Despite the best efforts of the owner, we really
couldn't get her totally clean, as you can see.
She was more flat-chested than the photo I had worked from, so I had to baste the blouse part in place. This is harder then you'd think, when you don't dare lick your finger to knot the thread. Not knowing where your hands have been. I also had to trim the skirt so that it hung more or less parallel to the ground. You can only guestimate so much with an ironing board.
And here she is.......
Cow's butts are more square than I had thought, so her knickers kept slipping down. Duct tape is a cow-costumer's best friend.
She really liked her hat. Kept trying to eat it. Again, more duct tape saved the day, and secured the back of the hat to her halter, and once it was out of sight, she mostly forgot about it.
I think the "guest" liked it too! 
Oh, did I mention that the cow's owner was from Mexico, so the cow only understood (as much as cows really understand, that is) commands in Spanish.
Once we got to the second site for the shoot, it was nearly 2:30, and since I hadn't agreed to be there all day, they sent a PA to drive me home. No, I didn't get to ride in the limo again, but it was a very nice rental van, and they even let me play with the power doors.
There was also a studio shoot with the cow the following Tuesday, but I had a rehearsal that night. I believe the PA understood my explanations well enough to dress her on his own.
Plus, I left him my roll of duct tape!
See some of my more "normal" work
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